Things Not to do on Voyager
by JadziaKathryn
Summary: Tom comes up with another popular idea.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Inspired by Stargazing BasketCase's story, "Things Not To Do On the NX-01."

Disclaimer: They aren't mine, and I'm not making any money off this.

Historian's Note: Set in late season seven.

**Things Not to do on _Voyager_**

Tom Paris was not in a particularly good mood. He was bored, and it so happened that there was little to relieve his boredom. B'Elanna was in the middle of maneuvering thruster maintenance, a task which she insisted on supervising, pregnancy and all. Harry had the bridge for Gamma Shift. His next turn on the holodeck wasn't for another week. With three days left in the month, he was completely out of replicator rations. He had even watched enough of his TV.

It was time for something different. Different could get one in trouble if it wasn't done carefully, though.

That sparked an idea. He grabbed a padd and checked its contents; it only had the plans for a holodeck program he finished, so he deleted that and looked at the blank padd while the plan formulated in his mind.

* * *

Captain Janeway was trying to choose which of Neelix's breakfast dishes looked less offensive when Tuvok appeared at her side. He was good at that, appearing at her side without attracting any notice. Then again, she had just gotten her coffee. 

"Captain, I would like to draw your attention to a new development in 'jokes' among the crew. I suspect that Lieutenant Paris is involved."

She took another fortifying sip of coffee and followed Tuvok. "What now?"

A group of crewman parted ways and dispersed as she approached a padd on the wall. **Things Not to do on _Voyager_**, read the title. "It looks harmless enough."

"Perhaps you should keep reading."

**1. Never, under any circumstances, program the replicator to dispense only decaf coffee. It is vital to ship's operations that the captain gets caffeine.**

She had never figured out exactly who did that (although, as usual, Tom was high on the list of suspects), but it had resulted in an "April Fool's Present" of replicator rations in her account, so she let it go with a sternly worded memo.

**2. Even if something _looks_ like normal food, don't get your hopes up.**

Well, Neelix wasn't going to be thrilled with that, but there was a good measure of truth in the warning. "Yesterday's muffins proved that," she acknowledged.

Tuvok was still waiting for her response, so she began "I'm not aware of any specific regulations prohibiting this list."

He raised an eyebrow. "It is probable that Starfleet never saw the need to prohibit such unlikely behavior."

"The crew needs to let off steam somehow. We'll let this one slide." Privately, she was amused. It wasn't a bad idea, really.

He would be wondering what she would let slide next, but true to form, Tuvok merely nodded. "I will see you on the bridge."

* * *

When Tom made his way towards the list later that afternoon, he was pleased to see that people had taken the instructions for adding anonymously to heart. 

**3. If the UT in your communicator stops working, request another. Do not attempt to muddle through with sign language. There is no galactic sign language! **

He'd heard about that from Harry. Crewman de Rosa apparently thought that sign language could substitute for the UT in an emergency. She learned her error the hard way: it took two days in prison before Captain Janeway was able to convince the Rhowqua that de Rosa did not actually plan to ruin the harvest for the next eleven years.

**4. Do not take Ensign Golwat's advice on food. She could drink battery acid and not be bothered.**

Tom could only wonder who it was who had taken so long figuring that out. For most humanoid species, Bolian cuisine was dangerous; just their weak tea gave must humans a terrible stomachache.

**5. Don't transfer the Doctor's program to the holodeck without warning while running battle simulations. He is not amused.**

Tom hadn't heard about this one, but Tuvok had some teams practicing earlier that day. It sounded like a good story, so he went to find someone in Security.

* * *

B'Elanna had been sworn to secrecy about the origins of the now-famous list, which made it even more exciting. She was a couple of minutes earlier than Tom for dinner and utilized the time to check for additions. 

**6. Don't volunteer for an away mission if Commander Chakotay is piloting.**

That got a smirk. Chakotay was a good friend, but his shuttle track record was not good.

**7. If you have no choice in the above, don't leave without saying prayers. And updating your will.**

"Hey," greeted Tom.

"Hey yourself."

After a kiss, he looked at the list. "Chakotay's not going to be happy about that."

Suddenly, a distinctive voice asked, "About what?"

"Oh, look, there's Harry!" With that, Tom took off across the mess hall.

Chakotay read the newest additions and sighed. "He's involved in this somehow."

When he turned around, B'Elanna merely shrugged.

Chakotay sighed again. Then, quite suddenly, there was a new warning on the list.

**8. Don't compare Surak to Martin Luther where Vorik might hear you. (Unless you _want_ to spend the next fifteen minutes debating the point.)**

He cracked a smile at that. Vorik was somewhat ardent, in a logical Vulcan way. He'd mentioned that to Tuvok once; the Security Chief raised an eyebrow and noted, "Ensign Vorik is young."

Then again, Chakotay was no theologian, but it seemed to him that there were parallels between Surak and Luther.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Number 10 is for addrianna818.

Harry made a beeline to the List as soon as the messhall doors opened. Overnight Tom's project (the creator of the List was an open secret) had acquired proper noun status, and it was now a must for everyone to check it, excepting Tuvok and Vorik. Seven had even inquired about the List, which she found "a useful mechanism to further my understanding of humanity."

Much to Harry's delight, there were additions to the List.

**9. If you plan on requesting the day off for an obscure Bajoran holiday, don't let Commander Chakotay hear you refer to the Bajoran Prophets as "the wormhole aliens." **

He could only wonder who tried that trick. Just then, Tom and B'Elanna walked in.

"Anything good?" asked Tom.

Harry pointed to number nine. "Do you have any idea who that was?"

Tom chuckled. "Not a bad idea, really." B'Elanna rolled her eyes and read the next item.

**10. Lieutenant Paris may be qualified as a medic, but don't see him. See the Doctor.**

Harry looked at his red-faced friend. "What's that about?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

As the under-appreciated medic stalked off, B'Elanna filled Harry in. "He accidentally gave Crewman Manassas an allergic reaction."

* * *

The Doctor found the List to be fascinating. It showed him more aspects of life on _Voyager_ and how the crew felt about them than he might otherwise know. Besides that, it had a morale-boosting effect that was healthy. 

**11. Don't snicker about how Lieutenant Torres waddles now. She can still move surprisingly fast.**

He wasn't sure he wanted to imagine that. It could get ugly. He took consolation in the fact that nobody had shown up in Sickbay with injuries to show for insulting B'Elanna.

**12. Don't invent a regulation form and tell Lieutenant Paris he needs to file it before his daughter is born. **

It was really time to talk with Captain Janeway about finding a planet and giving everyone shore leave.

All the same, it _was_ nice to see Tom Paris on the receiving end of a practical joke.

* * *

Captain Janeway tried not to laugh as she looked at the List, which was decidedly more interesting than the strange, slimy dinner Neelix had ladled out for her. Encouraging such behavior as prompted some of the entries wasn't a good idea. 

**13. Reporting nonexistent malfunctions afflicting shuttles is in direct violation of Starfleet regulation 2079-E, which states: "It is not permissible to use Starfleet Form 45 for any use other than that which it is intended for: the reporting of mechanical malfunctions that require examination by a qualified engineer."**

B'Elanna had not been happy about that, particularly because the padd with Form 45 had been found lying on the floor of the shuttle. As the perpetrator was unknown, Vorik had proposed posting the information on the List, "to inform crewmembers who may be unaware of regulation 2079-E." He hadn't anticipated that B'Elanna would assign him the task.

According to B'Elanna, the height of Vorik's eyebrows when she gave him that job was priceless.

**14. Ration bars are not to be used in any recreational game. (At least when you're with Commander Tuvok.)**

That had been one of Tuvok's more memorable away mission reports. Ensign LaFleur had invented a game he called "ration bar hockey." Unsurprisingly, Tuvok had not permitted the game.

The Doctor was right; it really was high time for shore leave. Hopefully Seven would find a suitable planet soon.

* * *

B'Elanna wandered over to the List while Neelix showed Tom a new magic trick he'd learned on Numani III. She and Tom had opted for a quiet lakeside retreat before the baby was born, and had enjoyed a relaxing four days. It was evident from the new additions that many of the other first-rotation crewmembers had chosen a more active shore leave. 

**15. If you plan to visit alien bars, bring ID.**

**16. Bring a tricorder to translate the ID, too.**

Without a tricorder, ordering alien drinks would be risky. But someone had already thought of that. Or learned from experience.

**17. Don't forget to use the tricorder to check the drinks!**

At least she hadn't heard of anyone who got terribly sick.

**18. If you can't ride horses on Earth, don't try riding six-legged horses in the Delta Quadrant.**

Now there was something B'Elanna would've enjoyed a picture of; she wondered what brave soul had attempted that. She and Tom had seen a Numani rider thunder past the lake one afternoon as they swam (or rather, as they were engaged in a heated splashing contest), and it looked very complicated. The rider kept swinging the top third of his or her body diagonally in a way that was physiologically impossible for anyone on _Voyager_.

On the plus side, the distraction had allowed her to catch Tom off guard and get a good hit in.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks to firebirdgirl for help with number 20, and tayababy for the suggestion that inspire numbers 21 through 24!

Chakotay had the third and final shore leave rotation, which meant that until it was his turn he had eight days to get ahead on paperwork. It was that which prompted the next entry.

**19. While you may think that crew evaluations are a waste of time in the Delta Quadrant, your commanding officers do not want to hear about it. **

Especially because he half agreed with Tal when she mentioned it. Still, rules were rules, and being in contact with Starfleet meant they wanted crew evaluations.

The next entry caused his eyes to narrow.

**20. Seven's suits are not the reason she hasn't been given a field commission. Stop saying that they are. **

Of all the terrible allegations… Chakotay was very disappointed to read that. Seven didn't even _want _a Starfleet commission!

He was really looking forward to his peaceful mountain getaway on Numani III.

* * *

While the kanak was boiling and his Numani gi'or was roasting nicely, Neelix took the opportunity to check the List for new additions. He wasn't disappointed. 

**21. If you want to get back to the Alpha Quadrant, don't use silly string in Engineering. **

He was reasonably sure either B'Elanna or Ensign Bristow put that particular item up. She had spotted an unopened can (Ensign Culhane had helpfully explained the particulars of this material to Neelix), and rumor had it poor Freddy Bristow was quaking in his Starfleet-issue boots when she was through.

**22. Or the bridge.**

**23. This substance should not be used in Cargo Bay 2, as it could damage my alcove. **

Well, so much for anonymity. Then again, if Seven had something to say, she didn't really care who heard her say it. Neelix was glad that she'd joined the fun of the List, at least.

**24. Just don't replicate silly string at all. **

That was actually a pity, because Neelix would've liked to see this silly string. He made a note to ask Tom about trying it on the holodeck, and went to stir the kanak.

* * *

Harry returned from his second-rotation leave and was delighted to find that the List had grown in his absence. 

**25. Don't threaten to throw ship's supplies out an airlock. This includes leola root.**

Chances were good that Neelix had written that one. He was, after all, the only person on board who liked leola root.

**26. Before shopping in an alien mall, take the time to learn roughly what the currency is worth.**

And people accused him of being naïve! If you didn't know what your money was worth, you might as well ask to be the victim of severe overpricing.

**26. Do not hope that you can repeat an alien greeting. Unless you are sure, use the UT. Some languages have greetings and insults that sound remarkably similar.**

Harry had heard about that. Apparently Crewman Boyd thought he could pronounce the Numani greeting he heard, but was terribly mistaken. The hotel manager was at least understanding (she probably had a good story to tell), but the whole incident was embarrassing for poor Boyd, who had resolved never to speak in anything but Standard ever again.

**27. Alien tattoos. Just say no. **

After a moment of thought, Harry wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know.


	4. Chapter 4

Around 0300 hours the Doctor meandered into the mess hall, which was completely empty, and looked at the List. His own entry, at least so far, seemed to be working fairly well.

**28. Do not use threat of decompilation or deletion of subroutines to get your way with the Doctor.**

Someone had added their own expression of support for that.

**Come on, he doesn't threaten to mess with our memories!**

It had been B'Elanna who had prompted the latest posting. She had mentioned decompilation too many times in a month (although, in her defense, she did have a lot of hormones running amok) and the Doctor had finally reached his limit. He was very pleased with the addendum to his original item. Truth be told, he wished he'd thought of it himself.

**29. You may not plot a "true communist revolution" aboard ship, even if you're off duty. **

This was an interesting piece of news, and the Doctor resolved to learn more about it. He'd ask Mr. Paris, who was an inexhaustible source of information about the goings-on among the crew.

* * *

Tom had established a routine of making a beeline for the List when he entered the mess hall. The List had been quite the success, and he was rather proud of the idea. 

**30. References to science fiction and fantasy have their place, but that place is not away mission reports.**

He sighed. Apparently Captain Janeway had read his latest report and was not amused. The comparison was too great to ignore, though. Nothing anyone said would convince him that the B'Rasi weren't just like hobbits.

It was a good thing the UT hadn't said 'elevensies,' or he never would've finished that first contact with a straight face.

Meanwhile, transporting the Tanar had prompted some rather interesting contributions. Even with the cargo bays full of makeshift beds, the crew had to double up in their rooms to make room for everyone. The arrangement was only for a week, but a week was more than enough. Harry, for one, was tired of sleeping on Tom and B'Elanna's couch, and Tom had heard the captain muttering something about Ready Rooms not being designed to sleep in.

**31. When doubling up in rooms, screen potential roommates for snoring if you're a light sleeper.**

Well, that was one way to go.

**32. Don't complain about a person getting up early when they're the one cooking your breakfast.**

That had to have been Neelix. It probably didn't help that he was bunking with Chernovich, who worked beta shift. This time, Tuvok had taken the preventative measure of inviting Vorik to share his room; Vorik found it a logical arrangement as well. While not ideal, Tuvok evidently found Vorik far less disruptive than Neelix. Chernovich was probably jealous.

**33. Do not complain about someone singing in the sonic shower when it's their own shower, they outrank you, and they have not had coffee yet. **

**34. Or two out of the three.**

And there were four more days before they reached the Tanar homeworld.

* * *

Chakotay sighed. He'd just managed to forget about Mink's debacle when the List reminded him. 

**35. You are not the youngest son of the King of Earth. Do not tell visiting aliens that you are.**

To which someone had helpfully added:

**36. Drunkenness is no excuse.**

And then his own addition:

**37. This also applies to all planets, moons, asteroids, and any other potentially habitable place I may have forgotten to mention. **

That story was making the rounds. Crewman Mink overindulged in vodka with one of the Tanar, and woke up with a drinking buddy (who happened to have a far higher alcohol tolerance) convinced he was royalty. To say that Captain Janeway was unhappy was the understatement of the century.

**38. Arriving early so that someone thinks they're late for their shift is not funny.**

"Actually," piped up Hausen, "from what I heard, it was."

"I doubt Ensign Kim would agree with you." Poor Harry spent three minutes apologizing and wondering why the turbolift took so long before he thought to ask the computer what time it was. As a matter of fact, he arrived two minutes _before_ his night stint in the captain's chair started. The night watch crew had been extraordinarily pleased with themselves.

Chakotay felt bad for Harry, but he filed the information away as potentially useful the next time Tom needed to be taken down a peg.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I still don't own Voyager, nor do I own "Don't Say a Word."

Seven eyed the List critically. At times she wondered how individuals capable of such acts as the List described had managed to survive the last six and a half years. It was one of those times.

**39. Memos on the cultures of alien species are not optional reading material for anyone who will be in contact with the species. **

She had learned of this from Lieutenant Torres. It seemed that two gamma shift engineers had not read the recent memo on the Tanar and inadvertently offended them in the mess hall. When they had asked how they were supposed to know the Tanar took pointing with forks to be a grave insult, the engineers were informed that it was in the memo.

Lieutenant Torres, at the captain's request, found menial tasks for the offenders, which proved satisfactory for the Tanar.

Seven was aware of thirty-nine cultures where an insult that grievous would have resulted in summary execution and an additional race inclined to punish such an insult by cutting all the fingers off of the offender's hands.

**40. Starfleet officers are not to judge other cultures.**

It light of the backlash against the Tanar, which had started when the two engineers complained that the Tanar expected _Voyager_'s crew to change on their own ship, she was reasonably certain the reminder had been added by Captain Janeway.

**41. Even if said other cultures are absolutely crazy.**

Seven did not envy Captain Janeway's job. However, the Tanar had disembarked without further incident.

* * *

It was no secret that the next entry was B'Elanna's; even Captain Janeway knew, and she was often the last person to know such things. 

**42. "I'll never tell" is not how you answer a superior officer's question!**

According to Tom, he was not in any way responsible for this. B'Elanna held him at least partially accountable because he started the "Don't Say a Word" craze. The offending line had come directly from the old movie, and was stuck in everyone's head. Well, almost everyone. Seven had been cajoled into watching "Don't Say a Word" but tunes didn't stick in her head unless she had reason to recall them. Tuvok and Vorik, unsurprisingly, had declined to watch the movie.

In retrospect, Janeway thought, they had been pretty smart. The frustrating sing-song seemed to be etched in her brain. She would only be mildly surprised if someone told her it was imprinted on the bioneural gel packs.

**43. Don't parade around with chocolate in front of a person who gave it up for Lent! **

Crewman Charez should never have given up chocolate. According to Sam Wildman, everyone else in sciences had made a pact to prevent the tragedy from recurring next year. Science personnel this year knew exactly how many days remained in Lent.

**44. It doesn't matter how boring numbers are – we can't rename the decks. **

That was just as well, because the chances of finding names everyone agreed on were terrible, and she didn't need that kind of stress.

* * *

Harry meandered into the mess hall and yawned. "Morning Neelix." 

The Talaxian was exuberantly stirring something thick that produced an unappealing green steam. "Good morning, Ensign! I have some Moscani coffee you really should try. Captain Janeway liked it!"

If Captain Janeway liked the coffee, it was a promising sign. He took the cup Neelix offered and sipped carefully.

"So, what do you think?"

"It needs sugar." He added a spoonful, stirred it, and tasted again. "Pretty good, Neelix. It almost tastes like there's orange in it."

"That's what the captain said too."

Harry smiled. The day was off to a good start. He took his coffee over to the List, which had two new additions.

"Aren't you going to have pancakes?"

"As soon as I read the List." If pancakes were for breakfast, the green steaming substance was probably for lunch. A big breakfast was definitely in order.

**45. The decisions of superior officers are not to be debated in front of other species. **

"Who did that?" he muttered to himself. Moreover, he wondered how anyone had made it almost seven years without learning that lesson already.

**46. Don't even mention a certain confection in front of Charez. **

Harry shook his head and went over to claim his pancakes. "Neelix, do you know how many days are left until Lent is over?"


End file.
